brokeninside-

2005-05-14T21:29:00.000+08:00

see it didn't start 2 days ago. it started forever ago.

not 10 years ago. if i got 9/10 for my spelling in kindergarten. i would get scolded.

then for 3 years in primary school.

# you would be there with a cane to make sure i did assessments.
# if i got 85. you'd scream and say why didn't i study and take my digimons away.
# if i got 99. you'd scream and ask why i made that lame careless mistake
# if that guy got one mark higher than me. you'd tell me that i wasn't as stupid as him. just not hardworking (and you said you don't compare me)
# i got scared and freaked at the patterns on the pool floor. you pulled me home, caned me, and got me to write "i will not disobey my instructor" 100 times because i didn't dare swim over those big things in fear of getting eaten up.
# you stuffed me into a swimming club (namely apsc) and told me it was swimming lessons when you yourself didn't realise it was training. and you'd screw me if i was too slow.

in the next 3 years.

it was better. you didn't really care. right up my street.

but.
# you pushed me to tuitions i didn't want to go for.
# you never listened to explanations on how hard the paper was.
# you didn't understand the meaning of childhood fun.
# you didn't realise that as a late starter, my kicking sucked.
# you told me swimming was exercise; not competition. but if i didn't swim fast enough to keep up with those who started since they were 6. you'd pull me up and tell me to get home.

in secondary school.

# i started to not care less.
# you didn't realise that i was pushing myself so hard in training and you killed me for dropping marks.
# i started to study bit more and my swim suffered. you asked if i was committed.
# you had to find out everything about my girlfriend.
# you had to threaten me to break up with her or you would go to her house and tell her in her face that she was ruining my life.
# you called my darling a witch.
# you found out her address phone number name and even the dates and TIMES we went for movies. (looked through my wallet did you? so much for privacy).
# you did not realise how shattered i was after an injury and kept questioning my committment to the sport.

now.

# you think you understand me. you don't.
# you think that it's caring to keep hounding me if i communicate with my ex and reminding me of her when i try to forget.
# you think that it's caring to "take care of my eyes" when half the time my eyes are closed.
# you think that using the internet is the main cause of the high computer hours and have to limit me and the most stupid times ever. 10-12 i'm in school. 2-4 ("so you can go for training after that"). hello i wld be sleeping if i wanted to go for training. 8-10. hello you think written work and work you are forced to type out can be "downloaded?" get a life. teachers hate handwriting.
# you think that you can be there for me. you can't.
# even if you want to understand. all that above, you'd think i'd let you understand me? dream on.

a house is not a home

2005-05-14T08:33:00.000+08:00

has it occured to you how sick inside i am.

i might seem alright. arguing back at you. but fuck you. i hell am not ok. and if you fail to see that. you must be the biggest dumbshit of all time. say you're there for me? you don't even realise what is happening. you think you're very good? know alot of shit. fine you might know hell lots of shit. but you don't know me.

you will never know me.

if you don't know me by now
you will never never never know me

2005-05-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

i didn't know how much life meant. until i met you.

you taught me to cherish it. you pulled me up when i was down and screwed. this was a song i sang. with someone. someone who will always be close to my heart but not near me anymore. this is still a song of course. just that i'll sing it to you this time.

you raise me up
so i can stand on mountains
you raise me up
to walk on stormy seas

you raise me up
to more than i can be

i breathe the air every morning knowing that people are there. and somehow the pain goes away. you can say it has been a miracle. and some people have made that miracle all so special.

a failed test isn't the end of the world. who is gonna remember that stupid common test you did when you were in sec don't-know-what and the pathetic 20% you scored. no one. put it behind. like you've done with everything. and emerge stronger like you've always been.

i once said you're the strongest person i ever knew.

it's true.

stand tall, stand proud. you will make it through the rain. and if you can't do it alone. you have me by you.

and you. treat your girl well (: or one day all your dreams will shatter all at once. i have faith in you. do it. (:

fire and rain

2005-05-11T21:46:00.000+08:00

we still have our hearts, and our minds;

uchena and joyce won the amazing race (: speaks volumes doesn't it. what two people can accomplish together when bonded in heart, mind, soul.

it also goes to show how the world is evolving. does race colour language religion make you less worthy of a one million carrot? i mean chip and kim won the last one. but things. change with time. eventually things mean so much more to you that what they have ever meant before.

then again some things fade with time. so who cares so much about the past or future. we can't change the past. we can't predict the future. but we can live our lives in the present.

and we can shape the future.

and we can live for ourselves. and people who care. like so many people out there.

i used to think that 'i love you' can only be said out loud to a girl. or that someone special whom you truly cherish. then i didn't know what love was (: now i do.

love is:

being there for someone when they need you.
going through rough times together.
and just giving all you have unconditionally (help etc.)

love is not:

an abstract big thing.
that complicated feeling.
a fantasy. it's a reality.

haha that makes it clear i guess. i know one can't use it in any old way they want to. but all it means to me. when i say i love you. it means that i will be there for you.

something to sum up yesterdays.

the hopes we had
were much too high

indeed. time to lead a more down to earth life. dreams will always be part of me. and most of you know it. even borray has said to me "you ARE a walking dream". but now. cherish the people who have been there for me. not the people who WERE there. but the people who were, are, and always will be.

i never meant i love you in this way before. but bro, i love you.

thanks again for saving my life.

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

2005-05-10T17:36:00.000+08:00

thank you;

i was angry at first. when first ms tang, then mr goh, then mrs tay gave me calls then messages. but then i realised.

it saved my life.

i know i love you. but i guess some things can't be forced. so instead of jumping on you and all. i'll just be here for you. in spirit. i believe that love lasts forever. and lovers are connected in spirit. like we were. so if you have any need of me, or just want to talk. i'll be there when you need me.

for now. it's best to repay the guys who have really been there for me all this while. the guys who haven't played with my emotions. giving me false hope then cutting me down again. the guys who listened to all my bullshit and heard me out. the guys whom you don't question. the guys who are just. there.

linky.
dan.
zach.
chen.
mike.
mau.
mr goh.
mrs tay.
ms tang.
dad.
mum.
seantan.
josh.
edric.
leonard.
chenxuan.

and you. wenjian.

(but where were *you?)

sorry for making you worry. i was an asshole. but thanks so much. i owe you everything. i owe you my life. you saved it for me.

again.

sometimes you say you don't know how you can repay me. i guess i should be the one saying that. but somehow i seem rather flustered and everything. something that isn't the placid and collected person i once was. become more jumpy. become something that really isn't me. i'm sorry. but i owe you a really big one. if you didn't do what you did. i could be halfway to hell. thank you.

i love you brother

2005-05-07T19:36:00.000+08:00

testing